How to Become A Witch in Nine Easy Lessons
In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now
a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted
in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in
Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a
coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being
accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and dressing
accordingly. This brings us to...
Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if
nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If
possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the
effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black
nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult
paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre
as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your
neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and
cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact
you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual
or gathering that you may attend.
Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm
talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name
Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his
book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book
pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts).
Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their
spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his name as
often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with
smiles of acceptance.
Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the
past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the
Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch
who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a
famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro,
Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become
a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously
labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they
have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons
while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently."
So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it
Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock"
lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the
flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other
reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were
known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find
out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore
empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but
unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more
established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power -
yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers... they
don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible
public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained
unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead
you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find
yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have to
put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a
back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that
doesn't work... join them!
Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature.
Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of
incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim,
dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting
strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination
and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's
gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of
dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly
charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby
protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.
Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to
make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but
remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't
get along with.
Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell
you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened
and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier
to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell
you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump
into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the
rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked
about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy
about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened
ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a
queue for the after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that
broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much
incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a
sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all
of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes
so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!
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