Now for those of you who are new, and have never encountered
persons calling themselves pagans, witches,
goddess-worshippers, here's how to tell us apart--with a
healthy bit of tongue in one's cheek.
Is this the first time you've seen this many pagans together?
Well, you're in for a deflowering, young earth-worshipper,
and you've come to the right place. However, you should
realize that there are many, many types of pagans. In the old
day's, we old farts just had to keep making the rounds until
we either found a group that wouldn't kick us out or founded
our own clique. But now, progress has brought us many
different flavors to choose from.
1. Bright-Eyed Novice:
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a
Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead
of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil,
and you want to know where to sign up.
Distinguishing Signs:
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about
which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new
athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man:
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you
about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley
- or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was
somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one
name?
Distinguishing Signs:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about
people you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.
Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity and
returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to
remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice.
Can discuss compost in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no
drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested
cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is
studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings"
instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical
diaries are all in Enochian.
Distinguishing Signs:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of
which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary
conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three
weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice,
thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold
forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
Distinguishing Signs:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a
penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from
her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and
stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph:
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh
-- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them
between orgasms... pant, drool...
Distinguishing Signs:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love
poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors.
Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch:
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal
day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows
concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't
mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime
involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned
by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry
Christmas."
Distinguishing Signs:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a
hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for
co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress,
no conspicuous tattoos.
8. Childe Of Kaos:
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to
think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that
if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual,
you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their
flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which
resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol.
If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
Distinguishing Signs:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger,
difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research
assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank
officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity:
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a
special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of
conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is
being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for
rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how
it's going, they hand you a press release.
Distinguishing Signs:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally
sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never
seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed
hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already
know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper:
Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except
in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant
peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and
read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with
Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to
think they're capable of vast destruction.
Distinguishing Signs:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy
black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on
their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a
bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life:
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with
several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba,
Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of
them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing
dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all
about, in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling
with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that
were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan:
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses
to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from
sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say
"Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from
Terrence McKenna.
Distinguishing Signs:
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless
you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never
goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Faerie Queen:
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two
a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting
answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away.
If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly
judgmental, you might have a real good time...
Distinguishing Signs:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever
experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so,
congratulations -- you've found a Faerie!
14. High Episcopagan:
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage
manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three
hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and
pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs than most
people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences
to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
Distinguishing Signs:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of
"Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed
pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to
spare.
15. Fundamentapagan:
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book,
it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was
handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't
read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if
anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or
other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives
in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call
themselves a pagan.
Distinguishing Signs:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley
ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting
everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunny Rabbits:
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and
feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should
be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit
animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other
depictions of their spirit animal.
Distinguishing Signs:
Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you
see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five
(including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and
undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness:
Analyzes everything they read or hear for
sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content
without paying attention to what is actually being said.
Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be
overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the
Christian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous
all at the same time.
Distinguishing Signs:
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion,
waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and
attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday
things such as advertising or corporate franchises.
Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering:
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her
right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because
she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all.
Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any
fun when so many are suffering.
Distinguishing Signs:
Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17.
Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment):
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty
Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple
furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name
ninety different kinds of space ship.
Distinguishing Signs:
Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents.
Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too
smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case:
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that
Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what
could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right"
if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays
and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.
Distinguishing Signs:
Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous
genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long
manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only --
men have big, bushy beards instead.)
21. Norse Code:
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with
festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness
for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a
full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but
if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing
runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc:
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they
aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces --
they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine
cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will
that be Visa or Master Card?
Distinguishing Signs:
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams.
You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a
human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer's
room and can't believe there are so many jewelry sellers
present.
23. Monster Truck Pagan:
Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own
clothes, home school their children and brew their own
organic hooch. Are looking forward to the bleak,
post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as
they can't wait to run amok through the country, worshipping
ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the
divider line of every interstate.
Distinguishing Signs:
Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S.
Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. is
aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with
crystals, Atlantis or unicorns. Can assume a properly smiley
work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around
the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies.
Non-distinctive hair, no conspicuous tattoos.
... You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is
30 weight.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means
tailgate party.
... You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning
Time.
